The Secret About Me

I am very adept at putting “normal” on my face and hiding my real self from most people. However, sometimes anxiety strikes me and I become overwhelmed with whatever it is that I am feeling overwhelmed about.

Why am I this way? This is how I feel…

It feels like so many people during my life have taken so many chunks of me that I am continually morphing into less of a person – mostly because the very same people that have taken those pieces, harshly judge me, causing me to feel that I am less – not worthy – and broken.

It feels like these particular people who have “picked me to death” throw stones at me and with each stone which is thrown, it feels like I am becoming less and less.

Fear consumes me; fear of more painful rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear of being punished, fear of being abandoned, and fear of being lost. My fear is the child of low self esteem who was conceived from the actions and words of unkind people.

All my life I have had to become less so certain people in my life could become more. Because, to them, to become more was to take away from someone else. You know that type.

So I struggle. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle to rid my thoughts of those horrible memories and to fill my mind only with that which is kind, and good, and true, and beautiful.

I must forgive. I must forgive my attackers and I must forgive myself. I am working on it. Sometimes, it is just so hard. So damn hard.

Now that I have told you my secret… I’m not sure if I can hit “Publish” — because it is so much easier to hide.

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One of Those Days

Sometimes it isn't easy to fight against all the negativity that has come our way in our lifetime. There are days that all that negativity in my life bans together to gang up on me. Today is one of those days.

Do you ever feel like all the harsh words and wrongful deeds ever done to you and all the mistakes that you have made in the past, are all tumbling down on top of you? It sure feels like that to me today. I keep hearing all these negative and hurtful things being said to me and seeing all the mistakes that I have made.

I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!

Instead, I am allowing the sonshine to fill up my beautiful and tortured soul.

Picture from Pinterest. (Thank you Pinterest).

 

This Lost Lamb (A Christmas Message)

I hate to admit it, but I am that terrible, horrible, disgusting sinner, that Jesus Christ had to come to this earth for. I am that person that rebelled against my parents, rebelled against my marriage, and rebelled against God. However, this is what really gets to me the most, God, through Jesus Christ, left his celestial paradise and came to this horrid sin-filled earth BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! I was that lost lamb that he came to earth to find and bring back to him. He was not willing to lose me to the wolves and other prey of this world that were getting their hold on me.

When I was at my worst and at my darkest time, believing I was beyong saving, my blessed Savior was still there for me. NO TO THE HELL FOR ME! Jesus Christ would have none of that! He was there to rescue me out of those evil jaws!

Something knocked me in the head and I repented and opened my eyes; and my life has not been the same since. (Thank you Jesus! Thank you God!)

Thank you Lord, for leaving your heavenly home to find me and bring me back to your safe and loving arms. Thank you for your precious Grace. Thank you for coming to this earth to rescue me from my sins. I now know your voice and I do not want to be anywhere else, except in your celestial kingdom with you for all eternity.

 

(Photo borrowed from Pinterest. Thank you Pinterest).