Oh Dear, Dear Me

Why is it so easy to talk about ourselves until we are suppose to talk about ourselves? That’s a funny thing isn’t it? Suddenly you have this “deer in headlights” look,

“What? You want me to talk about ME?

These lights are so bright they’re hurting my eyes and I’m sweating like a pig in a blanket. (Haha! Get it?) This stool is uncomfortable and I am tempted to start twirling in it, around and around, but I don’t think the camera men would like that. (Oh goodie! Now I think I will!)

Hmm (clearing my throat). “I am here to talk to you about me. I am going to tell you about what I learned in Writing 101 and how I have grown as a writer.”

“CUT! CUT, CUT, CUT! Cut it – the hell out and start all over again, but for gawds sake, be REAL!”

(I am starting to get the giggles because that is what I do when I get nervous and this dam.. dang, producer is making me nervous). Hahaheeheehee. Hmm (clearing my throat again).

“Okay! Stop glaring at me with those evil looking eyes look!” (By the way, bite me!).

The best thing about Writing 101 is that it motivated me to start writing again. For some reason, I had stopped writing. I quickly learned that not only did my writing suffer, but my creativity suffered as well.

My favorite writing is spontaneity writing. It is my favorite writing but also the hardest writing for me because I get brain farts when I am under pressure. This type of writing also brings out things hidden deep in my heart and soul. This is where the “real” stuff is that makes writing fun and reading it enjoyable.

One of my most favorite assignments was to open up a book and focus on one word on that page and write a letter To Whom it May Concern about this word. The first book I opened, the word that stood out was confession. After thinking about writing about that word for awhile, I decided I would cheat and open up another book and pull out another word, a word that would be more fun to write about. The second book I opened, the word was….(I am NOT kidding you!!!) …. C-O-N-F-E-S-S-I-O-N!

This freaked me out because I knew that forces of the universe were pointing at me and saying,

“You –W-I-L-L– Write About Confession!” I did write about the word confession and had a little fun writing about it, but it still gave me the chilly-willy’s.

I enjoyed “finding your voice”. Seriously. Think about it. How does one go about “finding” their voice?

“Here voice, here voice, here voicey voicey.” And you sort of expect it to jump up in your face and scratch at your eyes and say, “Here I am! Mweow Mweow. Feed me!”

I can’t say that I ever found my voice. I don’t know if I will ever be able to say that I found my voice. Maybe I shouldn’t find my voice. Maybe my voice should find me. Picture this, you’re walking down a nice winding path through a deep and mysterious forest with all types of creatures making guttural sounds deep inside that forest. The smell of pine, right after a summer rain, strong and glorious, pass affectionately into your nostrils and suddenly you trip over something. Lo and behold! There it is! YOUR VOICE!!

The assignments, A Room With a View and Happy Comfort foods challenged me to dig into my memory bank and write about pleasant memories. Those written pieces not only brought me comfort, they also gave me an outlet to share them.

Death of Adverbs was enjoyable to write because I wrote about the little hummingbird that I rescued and rehabilitated.

Although the Serially Lost series wasn’t my favorite assignments, Serially Found: Third Time is the Charm was one of my favorite assignments because I wrote about my dad, and finding a relationship with him at the end of his life.

My writing evolved throughout the Writing course because, for one thing, I became more comfortable with my writing “voice.” (Still not sure I found it). Also, I became more comfortable sharing more intimate things about my life, that normally would have been too difficult for me to do. I have to struggle through all the “shame” that surrounds these difficult times of my life, and the Writing 101 course helped me find the courage to do so.

The most important thing that I focused on during this course was, finding my voice. I still keep thinking that when I find my voice, I will find me.

“CUT! That’s a wrap!”

The bright lights dimmed and once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I felt this huge relief. I stepped away from the stool and realized, I had just gone through a lifetime of growing up.



30 thoughts on “Oh Dear, Dear Me

  1. I can never talk about myself, yes the whole deer in headlights look, when someone says, so tell me about yourself. But I love the fact that I can write about me in my blog. Maybe not seeing someone staring at you, anticipating something exciting about your life makes it easier to write.

    • Yes, I can agree with you – it is easier to talk about ourselves without someone staring at you. But, it sometimes makes it hard for me to do so in a blog because I see the whole wide world staring at me. LOL! Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂

  2. PJ, you mention a couple times that you think this is too silly…yet you acknowledge it was fun to write. I challenge you to be honest with yourself as a writer and wear your voice with pride. This piece does feel more playful than others you’ve written and yet there are signs of your trademark tenderness and sincerity. Since you’re still questioning your voice, my guess is that you’re close, but not quite there yet. That’s not my opinion. I’m just reflecting back what I hear from you in your comments (this sounds like therapy and I don’t mean it to). However, I believe you’ll know when you’ve hit the voice mark when you put it out there with absolutely no apologies. OK, our session is up…I’ll see you next week.

    • LOL! I am certainly comfortable in the therapeutic role! Thank you for your comments and I believe you are right. My voice will find me. 🙂 Thank you again for your support and encouragement doc and I’ll see you next week.

  3. This is quite different (in a good way). I enjoyed this side of you, the fun side of your writing. And yh, when the spotlight is on me I don’t freeze, I sort of mumble and bluff. 😉

  4. “Maybe my voice should find me.” -> This line hit me like a ray of sunshine (cheesy?) and made me go AH. This is a good, good line. Also, I’m glad to hear you found your voice and your writing has improved during the Writing 101 course. I am happy to have stumbled on your blog as well. ^_^

  5. PJ,

    There is much humor here. Using the situation as a interrogation or tv interview is brilliant. So when you become a famous writer you will have the practice down already. When they ask how you found your voice, you will have a story to tell.

    You have taken this opportunity of writing 101 to grow, to have your voice be expressed. Congratulations!

    • Thank you so much Jeff! I wasn’t sure if it would all work or not but I took the chance and pushed the publish button. LOL! I enjoyed writing this and “hope” I will be able to weave in some humor in most of my future posts so they don’t sound so “serious.” Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂

  6. I enjoyed this way of giving a retrospective look at writing 101 and particularly liked the lines “This type of writing also brings out things hidden deep in my heart and soul. This is where the “real” stuff is that makes writing fun and reading it enjoyable.” Beginning to write again has done the same for me in that I have found a new voice that I thought I never had. Not just the serious voice, but the one that can look back on life and find the joy and the lessons that life can give us. Thanks for sharing this post.

    • Thank you Jim! That is true, writing helps us, not only, to find our true voice, but learn lessons that are among our lives. I think it brings the “real” out of us. Thank you for reading and commenting!

  7. I liked the creative way in which you did this piece. There are a few things about your writing that I have noticed – you are expressing yourself with increased confidence and with more and more creativity all the time. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    • Thank you Harry! I really do appreciate that comment. It was very hard for me to express myself and my hope is that I have gained more confidence in order to do so. Thank you very much!!

  8. I love how your letter was in “video” format. I could picture you under the bright lights with a camera being shoved in your face.

    I think this piece very much showcased your voice. Finding your voice, to me, is akin to finding yourself. It’s easier to find your own voice when you stop trying to sound like someone else. Likewise, you find yourself when you stop trying to be like someone else.

    • Thank you! I tried to have fun with it. I think when I am not taking it so seriously, and add a fun edge, it easier for my comfortable self to come out. Otherwise I feel like a mummy trying to write something. LOL

  9. I get that rabbit in headlights feeling whenever I go into group therapy. Suddenly all the thing I need to talk about are lost somewhere in my mind. Your 101 posts oozed that enjoyment.

    • Thank you Cat! So you know that feeling well..forgetting what you want to talk about because of anxiety. You seem to do very well on the blogs. Does blogging help make it easier for you to talk in a group?

      • Blogging prepared me for therapy. It hasn’t all been about what I write, but reading other people’s experiences gives me the courage to talk about my own. I tend to write more than I speak, both in group and with the individual Therapist. With them, I seem to talk more about my conclusions to things I’ve written about (although none of them know I blog – that’s my secret!). I think it’s safer to write about painful issues It seems to provide control over the emotions more than spontaneously discussing feelings in therapy.

    • I understand. I write more than I talk. Blogging for me came after therapy and hospital visits. Like you, seeing posts and reading posts of people who have experienced mental illness helps me to be more open about it, although it is still very difficult for me to talk or write about it. As far as your secret, it’s safe with me. 😉

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